i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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