So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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