The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
