so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
