Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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