Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
