why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
