Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just gift wrapped bread.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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