god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
More tranny stories later!
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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