Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
