If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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