matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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