Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
