I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
