Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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