there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
