and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my being single is dangerous.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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