i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
