Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
