Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
