you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
