Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
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i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
tell me about the eggs
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