my phone needs a breathalizer
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
