Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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