tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I forget how to act sober
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
