I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
two words...techno handjob
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
