one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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