Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
