I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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