no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
