gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
