I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
