i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
