Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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