Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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