lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
