The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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