Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
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