By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
