I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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