Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
