Soap is not a condiment
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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