she woke up with a sticky ear
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
