hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
