Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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