Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
