i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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