she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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