Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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