normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
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Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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