Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
