why didn't you poke me back
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
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I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
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