I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Drake has all the answers
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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