I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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