I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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