and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
