...so i touched it.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
