I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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