An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
